We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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