I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
