no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
