You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
