so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
