Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We need to get me chipped asap
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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