i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
