Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
