Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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