she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hippo gnu deer
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
