His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
