...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
