There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm really into asian looking animals
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
