fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
