O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
