Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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