I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
