if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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