Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
