Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
