I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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