I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
