She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
