By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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