Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
