I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
