I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
