oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
