Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
