we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
