Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
