You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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