I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
