Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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