Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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