I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
