does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
