I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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