We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
