we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
