i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
