Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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