Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
