you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
