I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
