i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
