At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
