His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
