I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
is it fun? or sober?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
