P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
