I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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