imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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